here's to

You're not here.

Logically, I know that you never where here. That I've always been alone. But, sometimes, I swear I can still feel you beside me. I can still feel your hand in my. You lips moving against my ear as you whisper your secrets to me.

But, I know that you weren't ever here, because it would have been impossible for you to be here. Why? Because you don't exist. You can't exist. People like you just aren't real. You can't be.

I want to scream at you! To yell at you. To throw things at you.

To show you what you did to my life!

To show you that I'm really alone.

I'm desolate without you.

I feel like an alley that's been deserted in favor of the warmth of a fire.

The warmth of a smile.

I'm

just

not

here.

I'm lost. I can't find my way home. Why did you leave me?

I'm lost to a crowd of faces.

Sometimes I even think I see you, hovering, watching.

Protecting me like you said you would.

But those faces are blurred.

Images lost to the dark.

The light ignored.

Forgotten.

Like me.

We had potential, you know. We could have been great. We should have had everything.

You'll never know that. You'll never know what could have been.

Because you were scared.

You thought you were alone.

You left.

We'll never be the couple we could have been.

We'll never lie in bed all day listening to the rain.

We'll never watch the sun sink into the water.

We'll never see another day bloom.

We'll never see the darkness swallow the light.

I'll never see you shine in the moonlight.

You'll never see me smile at the sun.

I'll never feel your lips on mine.

You'll never see the children you made.

You'll never see the tiny smiles that mocks yours.

You'll never hear them laughing.

But, you never cared.

You never wated to know what we could be.

You never wanted any of it.

You never thought you could make me happy. You never thought I should be like you. You never thought that I could love you like I did.

Like I do.

Maybe one day, you'll believe me.

Maybe one day, that blurred face I see will really be you.

Maybe one day, you'll come home.

Maybe one day, you'll meet your children.

Maybe one day, you'll be real.

Here's to the love you never knew and the smiles you never found. Here's to the light that you brought to my darkness.

Here's to the darkness I found in your brilliant light.

Here's to the feel of your lips against mine.

Here's to the sound of your voice.

The echo of your laughter.

Here's to the brilliance I found in your smile.

Here's to the tears I cried.

Here's to hoping that maybe one day, you'll come home.

You haunt my dreams.

You save me from my nightmares.

I see your face with my waking eyes.

I hear your voice in my sleeping ears.

I feel your touch against my icy skin.

I taste your lips against my tongue.

I smell you against the pillow I sleep on.

I know you're here.

I know you never left.

I know it's you I see in those blurred faces.

Here's to you.

Here's to them.

Here's to me.

Here's to -

maybe one day -

there will be an 'us.'

With all the love I feel, all the hate I felt and all the sorrow that surrounds me -

Here's to, maybe one day, you'll come home.